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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  July 17, 2012 6:55pm-7:30pm PDT

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- "karsfeld, ruben m. "klarvat, yuri. "klausen, igor. "klesteren, robert. "kletzko, harold. kluber, tatiana." - i'm his acting teacher. - "mordenay, lorenzo. "jinlo, martin. "rodman, gill. "takahamo, jessica. "thermopolis, dorothy. lipowitz, lauren." [cheers and applause] - bravo! triumph!
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>> stephen: tonight mitt romney faces questions about his resume. does he really know excel spreadsheets? plus a new way to get your coffee. did you know you can make it at home now? and my guest anne-marie slaughter says women can have it all. wait, without gave them some of it. sarah palin hasn't been invited to the gop convention but that's okay, she can see it from her front porch. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause)
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stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, everybody. okay. thank you, please, sit down. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. it's great to be back, folks. spent the last two weeks off. i relaxed. gave the old moneymaker here some vitamin d. spent some quality time with my family, questioning the president's legitimacy. (laughter)
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but vacation is over. hold on one second, okay. (laughter) folks, i'm back. and not-- it's not a moment too soon. because apparently america just can't keep it together without me. i go away for two weeks, two weeks and everything falls apart. i'm talking of course about the tragic end of the story book romance of tom cruise and wife unit 55-b katie holmes. what happened? their marriage had everything, fame, glamor, a publicist. how did it go wrong. katie what are you thinking. may i remind you tom is an ot7 at least. where else are you going to
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find a superfit 50-year-old who loves cooking, long wuntion the beach and uses the text to create new sps and create better realities. good luck finding one of those on j-date. girlfriend, you are walking into one nasty whole track overwhelm. and pardon my saying so but the satan inhabiting you isn't getting any younger. do you really want to confront the fourth dynamic engrandma loan? you know what, katie, i wouldn't be surprised if are you just doing all of this to get back at your old flame, dawson. classic joey move. folks, that's not the only shocker rocking the entertainment verse. because two weeks ago tv journalist and torso american anderson cooper dropped a bombshell. >> cooper ended years of speculation. >> the fact is, i'm gay.
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always have been, always will be. >> stephen: what? anderson cooper gay? i mean come on f that man is gay then i'm secretly a liberal. (laughter) (cheers and applause) okay. how could this have happened? i had dreams for anderson and his 360 bulletin presenter. i mean just look at them. the chef and the cnn deli finally perfected the black and white news cookie. i mean the babies they'd have made, the sill ken ebb onee queen and the elfish god would have produced the most perfect little laser eyed caramel mocka wood nymph. i'm pretty sure that's okay for me to say.
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it doesn't make any sense. for years we've heard anderson go on and on about some girl named katrina. (laughter) standing in front of her house at odd hours, fighting with her and ending up outside in the rain. it was true love. of course looking back now it was suspicious that we never saw a photo of her. and their relationship always seemed strained. i mean who calls their girlfriend by the pet name worst natural disaster of the modern era. and of course, folks, no one, no one took more advantage of my absence from the scene than the you could ad-- coward in chief. you see this man is running scared, folks, because we all know mitt romney is the man we need in the white house thanks to his years of business experience at bain capital. so obama is now attacking romney's record. it's like he is hell-bent on making word bain synonymous with a source of harm or ruin.
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(applause) i'm mad, i'm mad. i am mad. obama in the last two weeks obama has spent a hundred million dollars in key battleground states running anti-romney ads like this. >> oh beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of gray. for purple mountain majesty, above the fruited plains. ♪ america ♪ america ♪ god shed his grace on thee ♪ ♪ and crown thy good ♪ rz now for the record mitt was originally on key. but he outsourced many of those notes to india. (applause)
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folks, obama is hammering mitt over a "washington post" article that claims the folks at bain were pioneers in the practice of shipping work from the united states. who cares. pioneers opened up the west. bain was just like the donor party. they ate the weak. (laughter) besides, romney wasn't even at bain during the outsourcing. >> hi no role whatsoever in the management of bain capital after february of 1999. not that that would have been a problem to have said that i was with the firm beyond that. >> stephen: see, he wasn't mean there when he did those bad things that he was in no way associated with but it's fine if he was. he left bain in 1999 to go to the salt lake city olympics, which he won, in the lounge. well, technically as the
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louge. he's a bit stiff but it pays off. plaus plauts you about obama is claiming romney ran bain till 2002 on the technicality that romney signed sec filings listing himself as the company's sole stockholder, chairman of the board and chief executive officer and president. (laughter) i mean, who knows. who knows what's true? it's a simple case of he said, he filed sec documents to contradict what he said. and of course, of course, folks, no surprise team obama is piling on. the campaign manager stephanie cutter says these documents prove either romney is misrepresenting his position at bain to the american people or he is misrepresenting his position at bain to the sec, which is a felony. not true.
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lying to the sec is not a felony, it's an entire industry. (laughter) folks-- get it right. get it right. folks, there's a good explanation for why romney has said one thing to the public and something different to the sec. as romney spokesperson ed gillespie explained to public access channel cnn. >> jim. >> he took a leave of absence and in fact he ended up not going back at all and retired retroactively to february of 1999 as a result. >> stephen: okay? in 2002 he retired retroactively back to 1999. (applause) so it's that simple. so he wasn't responsible for firing all those people whose jobs were outsourced. he was responsible for
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retroactively not hiring them. (laughter) folks, i, i think this is great. this whole thing makes romney unbeatable. because if mitt wins in november, he's beaten obama. and if obama wins in november, mitt can just say he retroactively retired from the race in 2009. (applause) now come to think of it-- come to think of it, folks, if mitt can retroactively retire years ago, why can't i proactively retire right now. (laughter) i mean i would still be the host and executive producer of "the colbert report" for a couple pore years, you know, gets all the none in the bank. but i'm officially retired as of now. that way i can't be held responsible for anything "the colbert report" says or does. for instance, hitler had some good ideas. (laughter)
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a lot of bad ones, a lot of bad ideas. actually not that many, just two, two really, really bad ideas. okay. but some good. let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. by the way, baby with the bathwater, one of the two bad ideas. (laughter) also very nice eyes. wow. (applause) i got to tell you i would not want to be the guy without gets the hate mail for that. luckily, by now, i will have been retired. we'll be right back. (applause)
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>> stephen: thank you very much. welcome back. welcome back, everybody. nation, don't talk to me before my morning cup of coffee. and when it's done talking then it's your turn. this is thought for food. caffeine addition. folks when a loved one dies so pain questions come to mind. why did this happen? did i tell them i loved them enough? and where can i get a low foam skinny mocha latte. fortunately a funeral home in south carolina has the answer. >> he has been burying the dead for decade its and now
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it's undergoing a little renovation. >> the menu will be there. >> men snu. >> yes, the menu, the starbucks menu. >> a new addition that robinson thinks will soothe the pain of losing a loved one. the store will have employee, a cash register, all the things you would expect to find in a starbucks. >> stephen: yes, robinson funeral home is serving starbucks next to their chapel and cream tore. -- crematory. so just be sure that cinnamon are you sprinkling on your latte and not sid bitterman. this is a great way to ease the grieving process. because nothing soothes the pain of losing a loved one like your eulogy being drowned out by -- -- jeff,
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half caff no foam for jeff. hey, you the guy crying behind the podium, are you jeff? plus, a starbucks at a funeral home will encourage more people to come out to grieve for your loved one. you'll find yourself saying wow, who knew uncle ted was friends with so many aspiring screenwriters and homeless guys who need to armpit shower in the sink. now sad. sad occasion. now, now a starbucks in the funeral home is great for mourners but what about the deceased. don't they also deserve coffee? i mean-- we're there to
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honor them. that's why i'm proud to introduce my patented stephen colbert coffin barista. why spend the afterlife in purg tore when you could be spending it in percatory. next up, folks, i'm always looking for ways to shave time off my morning routine so i was thrilled to see the latest innovation from italian carmaker fiat. >> here is something to perk up your commute, fiat is taking out starbucks. the carmaker fiat will soon be offering in-car espresso makers, it also includes espresso machine four cup its and even a spoon holder. >> stephen: it's about damn time cars came with a new beverage option. i was getting tired of wiper fluid. (laughter) and folks the other drivers on the road can feel safe know you are not recklessly
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texting. you're merely brewing scalding hot coffee at 70 miles per hour. fiat-- (cheers and applause) >> this is a great start. but coffee is only one link in the morning chain. might i suggest you add a frontseat deep freyer, sun visor waffle iron and an omelet station. (laughter) which bonus, will let you drive in the carpool lane. we'll be right back. summer road trip, huh?
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as the hotel experts, finding you the perfect place is all we do. this summer, save up to 30%, plus get up to $100 on us. welcome to
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welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. my guest tonight has written a controversial article for the atlantic magazine on whether women can have both a career and a family. the answer yes. the career and family and sleep, no. please welcome anne marie slaughter. meers plaus desh -- [cheering and applause] hey, nice to meet you again. thank you so much for coming back. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: now for those who do not remember your appearance five years ago, let me catch the people up on you. are you pretty impressive. politics and international affairs professor at princeton. director for policy planning for hillary clinton for two years, dean of princeton's woodrow wilson school. you wrote this cover article for the atlantic, why women
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still can't have it all. okay. first of all i can point out, you see this, you see that. now when i carry naked baby in my briefcase, i get in trouble. but its's okay for a woman to do it, okay. that is something you have that men don't have. so what is it that women can't have all of. so they hear that phrase a lot and i don't know what it means. >> so it is having the same career choices to be able too have a career and a family, as a man does. so having it all. >> stephen: why can't you have it. >> you-- if you-- . >> stephen: it's a choice, you have free will. >> you have free will. >> stephen: have 2. >> but you need-- . >> stephen: have all of it. >> you need to be able-- a man can have a career and can have a family and the family is not an obstacle to the man's career. >> stephen: how is it an on stack tell to a woman. what is it that supposed
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thing that is keeping a woman from succeeding. >> so in the first place women are succeeding enormously but the ones who are really making it work with respect to having a family and being the kind of parent they want to be and having a career and having their career ambitions are generally either superhuman, they don't sleep, rich, they have help around the clock. >> stephen: it is handy. >> or self-employed so i'm a professor and i've always been able to basically control my own time. so i can have a family and have a full career and make it work. but for most working women, the demands of trying to take care of kids-- they need better choices. >> stephen: that's assuming that women care about their families more than men do. >> no. >> stephen: no, listen, i'm a parent, you're a parent. you can't have it all but i can have it all? what is the thing that is different about you. >> well, in the first place women are still doing two-thirds of the housework.
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>> stephen: but don't. >> and two-thirds of the child care. >> stephen: but don't, don't do that. don't do that, don't-- i don't -- >> right. >> stephen: this is the most red article-- read article in the history of the atlantic. why do you think this has struck such a nerve with people. >> because i think there are women out there who are stretched absolutely to the breaking point without feel like they know they want to be, they live up to their career ambitions. they know they want to be parents. they can't make it work. they're blaming themselves. this is an article that says nope, it's not you. we need to make changes. >> stephen: speaking of blaming yourself-- are you and i know you've got the answer to this, are you a good mother or are you a bad mother? and you know one of those answers is just a lie you tell yourself.
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(laughter) >> stephen: what in your heart do you think you are for the choices you've made? >> i think i'm a very good mom but part of being a good mom was coming home from washington after two years even though i would have loved to have stayed and done more foreign policy, something i've trained myself to do all my life. but you know, i've got two teenagers and honestly any parent of teenagers knows it's a lot easier with two parents on deck. >> stephen: there is two-- right there you see that, see that, here's how i can prove that are you a good mother. neath of them look like they want to be in the picture. that means you've raised two normal boys. (laughter) thank you so much. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: ann-marie slaughter, you can read her article y women can't have it all in this month's the atlantic. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. thanks so much. i hope tonight's show brought a smile to your face. if you live in those countries with face smiling is a standard indicator of happiness. if not, i hope it brought an involuntary muscle cron traction to whatever part of your body indicates pleasure in your cultural tradition.
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>> july 16th, 2012, from comedy central's world news head quarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) hey, everybody, welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we're back, baby, two weeks. our guest tonight, the great louis c.k. will be joining us. (cheers and applause) louis, ck of course-- (laughter) louis calvin klein. (laughter)
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changed had for show business. look, i can't give you a recap of all the [bleep] that happened, over the past, every major story. but i can tell you-- in what can only be called a bit of devein intervention, the hot political moment of mitt romney venture capital which happened to bear the same fame as the post frightening and current batman villain. (laughter) it's the subject of tonight's democalypse 2012 thank you jesus edition. (laughter) bain! not since aid-- diet candy
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suffered through their somewhat ill timed 19880 lose weight with aids sales campaign has a brand faced such challenges. bain! >> corporations are people, my friend. (laughter) now romney's bain seen here with what looked like an ad for an oddly luke ca cat-- lucrative all clothed male strip review, they called him magic mike, see mitt romney told him it is based on the idea that he has run a business so he knows how to create jobs. one problem. when mitt romney was c.e.o. of bain capital in the '90s, bain invested in ase